The newly appointed General Humongous was introduced at a press conference by Army chief of staff General George W. Casey Jr., who praised Humongous’ experience in attacking fortified settlements among other things.
“Humongous knows how to jump over barricades using modified motorized vehicles,” Casey said. “Also, he commands a trained regiment of armored personnel whose freakish bizarre appearance and loud screams can strike terror into the hearts of any insurgents.”
With his appointment as the head of the newly formed Subduing Homegrown and International Terrorism Task Force (or S.H.I.T. for short), Humongous has authority to direct all US anti-terrorism efforts worldwide, which also includes authorization to deal with ungrateful unhappy voters here at home in the US once terrorism is defeated. In a short press conference before his first official military maneuver, Humongous insisted that he intended to offer the insurgents a non-violent solution first.
“There has been too much violence. Too much pain. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your pump, the oil, the gasoline... the whole compound, and I'll spare your lives. Just walk away and we'll give you a safe passageway into the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.”
However, upon learning that the infidel leadership had turned down his offer, Humongous stated that force was the only option left. “I am gravely disappointed. Again you have made me unleash my dogs of war,” he said.
Already it has been reported from sources in the Middle East that Humongous was seen assembling his specially trained motorized armored division on Silk Road for what appeared to be a direct assault on the barricades next to Band-E-Amir National Park in Kabul.
“Smegma crazies to the left!... The gate!... The gaaaaaate!... Gayboy berserkers, to the gate!” he was heard shouting.
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